Giving Up the Ghost

I read a funny piece in Slate yesterday about “Ghosting” – and learned a new term for something I’ve often done and always felt slightly guilty about.

Also known as the “Irish Goodbye” or the “French exit” for culturally insensitive reasons, ghosting is when you leave a social gathering without saying your farewells.  One minute you’re there, the next you’re “poof” – gone like a ghost.  And while some may wonder where you’ve gone off to, most won’t notice your absence for an instant -- or at least, that’s the hope. 

It’s generally been considered rude to leave without saying goodbye to your hosts; that’s why the English tend to call this behavior the “French exit” because, you know, they generally think the French are rude to the bone (not in my experience, by the way).  In the U.S., apparently, we prefer calling this the “Irish goodbye” because, according to the Slate piece, it “hints that the vanished person was too tipsy to manage a proper denouement.”

Hmm.  Times have changed and so has our culture.  Maybe we just need to think about this in new, more relevant ways:

•   The SMART Toodle-oo. Text your goodbyes on your way out the door.
•   The Tea Party Exit.  Shoot your AK47 in the air and shout as loud as you can, “see ya”!
•   The Gangsta Goodbye.  Make eye contact with your host and thump your chest 3 times with your fist. No speaking required.
•   The So Long Sucker.  Email your host an invoice for the time you were in attendance. This could become very popular in Washington, D.C. and New York too, where we live or die by the billable hour.

As I’ve said, ghosting is something I’ve done from time to time through the years, particularly when I’ve had to attend networking events that people in my business need to participate in, especially early in your career when you’re trying to make new contacts for your company or new job opportunities for yourself.   In many instances, though, I rarely know the people in attendance so I’m reasonably certain no one gives a crap if I’m there or not.

Now I do think it’s a bit different when you have to attend a friend’s wedding, engagement party, or a holiday party or barbecue (although I have tiptoed out the front door at a few of those kinds of events too).

Seth Stevenson, the author of the Slate piece, really believes you’re doing your host or hostess a mitzvah by ghosting because saying goodbye is “meaningless, uncomfortable, good time-dampening kabuki.”  If you feel bad about leaving without offering thanks, you can always send an email the next morning, he recommends. 

But, on further reflection, Mr. Stevenson’s recommendation may not be enough, especially if you’ve ghosted people you know in a significant way (colleague, friend, ex, or useful business or social acquaintance).  Maybe it’s old school, but  at the very least I’d recommend sending flowers or a good bottle of wine to your hosts so they know you are really and truly glad to been included in their social whirl.  They still won’t likely remember anything about your presence the night before, but they'll never forget you were there, and more importantly, they'll be glad you were.

That’s called the “Gracious Farewell” – and it works like a charm, every time, I can tell you.